Taliban Says Kabul Cafe Attack Was Payback for Earlier Strike. Restaurants Winning Hummus War despite Most Recent Taliban Bombing.

In what has become called laughingly, by the stoic Afghans, the Hummus War, a Kabul cafe was bombed after serving expired babba ganoush to a table of Taliban supporters. When questioned why such a violent reaction was justified by a bit of bad eggplant, Ali Babba Allahfi, the Taliban’s spokesperson for culinary affairs, said,

We live in small hideouts together. When one person has gas, we all suffer.

TPV asked why not just open a window?

“In a cave?” Allahfi said.

Allah Akhbar, a takeout restaurant that caters to Taliban insurgents, has retaliated several times, sending out salads without any expiration dates at all, as well as olive and falafel dishes laced with magnesium citrate, a powerful laxative that causes endless and unrelenting diarrhea.

Those two merchants are in the forefront of the Hummus War, but many other unidentified food purveyors occasionally join the ranks when they realize they have Taliban customers.

The Taliban have lodged a complaint with the International Criminal Court of Rome, Italy, alleging “war crimes” against the offending establishments. But meanwhile the bombings and flatulence/diarrhea retaliations continue without any chance of peace talks.

Allahfi says,

In a cave those conditions are equally inhumane. Gas or diarrhea in a small cave with thirty men. The gas drives us out and the diarrhea makes it impossible to march to another site.

TPV asked why moving was so difficult.

“Are you crazy or just American?” He asked, ululating and then shouting Allah Akhbar!, before continuing, “Death to the infidels, don’t you see? They can track us with their eyes closed.”

TPV asked why they keep dining or ordering at Kabul restaurants.

“First they cleverly named their takeout in a way that we are forced to. ‘Allah Akhbar,’ God is great. How can we not order? And truthfully when they’re not poisoning us their salads and pita are the best in the Middle East.” He made a gesture with his hands, thumb and index finger forming an “O.” “I think they know they’ve got us where they want us.”

So, TPV asked, just more bombings?

“No,” said Allahfi, ” we were thinking of kidnapping the chefs.”

TPV nodded vigorously and said that sounded promising.

Well yes, but we killed them all in the bombing. Insurgency is very difficult. Especially on the stomach.

Yes, TPV said, we’d heard an army marches on its stomach.

He raised his eyes and said, “You Americans are nuts. That’s impossible.”

For more on Afghan bombings, go to http://nyti.ms/1dAiWMg.