U.N. Panel Questions Vatican Officials on Child Sex Abuse because It Finally Has the Time

NY Times tells its readers that U.N. Panel Questions Vatican Officials on Child Sex Abuse. Marquel continues: Confusion reigns over the first half of the proceedings until the Holy See realized, as one said, “You talkin’ ’bout me?”

The church was fully prepared for battle, having filled at least half the hall with its supporters. During the first hour or two, both sides were quite pleasant with each outdoing the other on its concern for children and its opposition to child abuse. Suddenly, however, the commission asked about rapes of young boys by priests. The tone changed immediately. It was at that point that the church spokesman asked whether he was the subject of the inquiry.

“No, Cardinal,” said the U.N. investigator, “should you be? Do you have some little boys in a closet?”

“I never put them in closets,” said the cardinal.

“It was just a figure of speech. I was referring to the rampant pedophilia in the church generally. Priests having relations with young boys.” Answered the investigator.

“That is not the nature of their relationships. For most of these boys this is the only way of keeping them out of trouble,” The crowd murmured. “These loving priests are keeping them off the streets.” Said the Cardinal. The crowd applauded and some shouted, “Keep them off the streets.”

“And that’s why you move them from parish to parish when these ‘loving’ relationships are discovered,” said the U.N. investigator.

“Calumny!” Shouted the cardinal. The room was silent. It was clear nobody knew the word. The investigator blinked. You could have heard the Pope’s ring drop. The Cardinal continued, “They move on when their job is done. There are many boys in need and these generous priests move on to where they’re needed.”

“Sounds like pedophilia to me,” said the same U.N. investigator nodding knowingly.

“You are so totally out of it. These children benefit from this blessed relationship. And I’ve already told you it keeps them off the streets.” The Cardinal went on. The crowd, or at least the supporters of the Holy See, roared again. “And you’ve forgotten the very most important part of it.”

“Oh yeah?” Asked the U.N.representative, seeming to lose his cool,  “what’s that?”

The Cardinal smiled avuncularly, and said,

These are memories that will stay with them all their lives….