Marquel, TPVs NYTimes East is East and West is West Section correspondent, was flying a kite when he read that Britain and France Scramble as Migrants Keep Trying to Cross Channel. Migrants, illegal migrants, that is, are all headed to Britain where, apparently, they think the livin’ is easy. And they’re trying to get through the famous Chunnel, which crosses the English Channel underwater.
In fact as of yesterday at around ten p.m. Greenwich Time, authorities reported that Pakistan has only 12 remaining occupants. The rest of both eastern and western Pakistan are in the Chunnel, trying to enter England.
“First, it’s our fucking politeness. No more of that shit,” said Prince Charles, who until now had been called Prince Traditionalist. He is encouraging all shopkeepers in Britain, the foundation of English culture, “to be fucking rude. Tell your customers to get the fuck out. Ask them what the fuck they want. Tell them they smell like shit curry.”
“The immigrants don’t want to stay in Italy or France or Germany. They speak English so England attracts them. We have to change that.” He said.
“It’s a two step solution. First, if you recognize a foreigner, do not speak to him in English. If he or she addresses you in English say, ‘I’m sorry I don’t understand you. You’re not speaking fucking English. Get the hell out!’ The second step is a bill presently in parliament requiring all retail sales to be conducted in French or German. That should settle it. They’ll have no reason to stay.” He said.
“Heavens no,” said the Prince. “They come for our gardens. But we’re spreading lime in all our gardens to turn them brown, yellow, and unattractive. They also come for our civil liberties. So from now on we are arresting everyone who starts speaking in Hyde Park.”
“Sometimes, as a famous American once said, you have to destroy the village to save it,” said the Prince.
“Desperate times call for desperate measures. These immigrants are overwhelming us. When they find we’ve changed, we don’t speak English, we’re rude, we reject legality, and prohibit spicy foods, they’ll stop coming.” Said the Prince.
“Because that’s another reason they come here. We have the world’s best east Indian foods. Our curries are world famous. No more. It’s forbidden by parliament. You order lamb curry, you’re getting lamb and kidney pudding. You ask for papadom or other hot items, you’re getting Shepard’s pie. I think we’ll have this solved within months.” The Prince predicted.
“We’re prepared for the long haul. All we have to fear is fear itself.” He said.
“Well we will confront them head on and prevail. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.” He said.
“That’s what you think. We will use all our blood, sweat, and tears.” He said.
“Oh yeah, well fuck you and your fucking mother. You look like shit to me, and can’t tell your ass from your elbow.” Said the Prince.