After dying a slow and fragmentary death, Voicemail has finally arrived in purgatory, ready to linger for a while.
Sources in purgatory told TPV that Voicemail was thrilled to see telex and rotary phones. Telex was, however, surprised to see Voicemail and reportedly said she wasn’t expecting him so soon.
“When Selena Gomez included Justin Bieber’s Voicemail in her song, Love Will Remember, I thought you had new lease on life,” Telex said.
Voicemail responded saying:
“Alec Baldwin had already done the damage…. What a thoughtless little pig.”
“Weren’t you also involved in Rupert Murdoch’s Voicemail hacking scandal?” asked Telex.
“Yes, the News International which is owned by Murdoch’s News Corporation, took advantage of me. I was not ‘involved’ – they took advantage of my innocence, and they also exploited the poverty of the British police. They hacked me and bribed the cops. But I am not bitter about it,”
“To be honest with you, I saw it coming,” Voicemail continued. “When those fancy pants teenagers had stopped listening to voicemail I was concerned but not terrified. Those pimple face idiots grew up so fast. Now they wear fancy suits, have business cards but still they don’t retrieve voicemails even at work. That just killed me,”
Telex reminded Voicemail that Millennials can’t be blamed for abandoning technology.
“Sales people killed it,”
“When they leave a message it is usually 5 minutes long. And when they record greeting it sounds like:
“This is Barbie at Ken and Co. I am out of the office this week, but you can reach one of my co-workers to deal with any issue. Please listen carefully. If you are trying to reach me about pre-sales, please contact Mike in my department on extension 1111 or send him an email. If you are calling about the Very Big Company account or the Enormous Company account, Jane can help you. She is at extension 2222. For other information about your accounts John can help you and he is on extension 3333. For calls about new business, please call Jackie at extension 4444, and she can route your call appropriately. For all other issues, please call our main office line by dialing extension 0000. For personal calls and all other information, please wait for the tone and leave me a message. Have a blessed day! “
IBRAHIM SAJID MALICK: R.I.P.# Voicemail